Nate Bargatze Stand-Up

Nate Bargatze Stand-Up

-Thank you.
Thank you, everybody. That’s very nice.
Ah, all right. So, my last name is Bargatze. I know nothing about
the history of my family. I’ve never, like,
really looked into it. So I asked a great-uncle,
told me pretty wild story. We had a guy in our family
that got — He got killed, got murdered,
actually, by a sickle. Like the thing
the Grim Reaper carries? And this is like the 1800s, too, just so you don’t
have to feel — it’s not a recent story. We’re over it as a family. [ Laughter ] So the guy —
It was his own fault, too. The guy’s nickname,
they called him “Two Thumbs.” Two Thumbs Bargatze. And the reason
they called him that was because he had two thumbs
on one hand but still had the other thumb. So not even a good nickname. [ Laughter ] I’m Two Thumbs Bargatze. Everybody but him
is Two Thumbs Bargatze. He’s the only not two thumbs
we’ve ever had in the history of our family. So I can tell you
he was a troublemaker. Two Thumbs, he was hooking up
with this guy’s wife. So he’s at her house,
he leaves, the neighbor sees him. He gives him two thumbs,
one hand up, you know. And the neighbor
is like, “All right.” [ Laughter ] The husband gets home.
The neighbor was like, “Hey, your wife’s cheating
on you with this dude.” And he was like,
“Who’s the guy?” And he was like,
“I don’t know his name, but he had two thumbs
on one hand, if that helps.” [ Laughter ] And, you know, the guy was like,
“That helps a lot.” [ Laughter and applause ] “I mean, I didn’t know you were
gonna be that specific. So I know exactly who it is.” So Two Thumbs was at home —
This is all what I was told. He was at home,
he was gardening, he was extra good at gardening,
and he’s sitting there. He’s gardening, and the sickle’s there, and then he kills him with it. And that’s it.
That’s basically it. But here’s the lesson.
All right, guys? The lesson is if you’re doing
something shady, that’s not the time
to stand out, you know? [ Laughter ]
Like don’t — You don’t want to
be different then. Put your dumb hand
in your pocket. [ Laughter ] I mean, if I had three legs
and was gonna rob a bank, I’m gonna be
the getaway driver. I’m not gonna gallop in
the bank with all three legs. [ Applause ] Just blend in. That’s the real message. Just don’t stand out. Just blend in. Sometimes you can’t help it,
though. I’ve had it where,
I had it recent– I was getting coffee, and I like iced coffee
with milk. Nothing crazy.
And I went to order it. You know when you order
something and the guy looks at you weird? And you’re like,
“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know
what I just said.” But you’re both
touching the credit card so you’re just too far into it. And you’re like, “All right, let’s see
what he thinks he heard.” [ Laughter ] And I go to the end of
the counter to get my drink and he gives me
milk with ice in it. [ Laughter ] I had to ask him, I was like,
“What is that?” He’s like,
“It’s milk with ice in it.” [ Laughter ] And I was like, “Do I look like
a psycho to you, dude?” [ Laughter ] I’ve never drank milk publicly
in the history of my life. I’ve never once in my life
been in public and thought, “You know what I could go for
right now? I’d like a cup of milk. I’d like a cup of milk. I’d like to drink it
out of a clear cup so other adults know exactly
what I’m drinking.” [ Laughter and applause ] “I was also wondering if
you could put a straw in it. Something I haven’t done
in maybe 35 years. And I thought we should
do that again right now. And I was wondering if you could
put milk in it and ice and then, you know,
that’s something that I don’t even know
if you’re allowed to do. But I would like to try that now in front of all these people
that I’ve never met before.” [ Laughter ] The bad part about this
is it’s happened twice. [ Laughter ]
All right? And, you know, the first time,
that’s a lot. That’s a lot for it to happen. And the second time,
you start looking at yourself. You start thinking like, “I don’t know if
I know how to order. I’m not ordering correctly,”
you know? I thought it was gonna happen
a third time. There was a third time.
And she put the drink down. I was like,
“This is unbelievable.” I was like,
“They’re against me.” And — but she just put
too much milk into it. And she told me that. It was a very honest moment. She, like, set it down. We’re both looking at it. And she just is like, “Feels
like a lot of milk, doesn’t it?” And I was like —
Just looked at it. And I — you know, was like, “Not as much as usual, but it
does still feel like a lot.” All right,
thank you guys so much.

Related Posts

Alternative Mount for Garmin and Magellan GPS Units

100 Replies to “Nate Bargatze Stand-Up”

  1. Yeah… you should start ordering iced coffee "au lait"(ow lay), or "con leche" (cone layshay)… that should get you what you want…I had to learn the language "Baristo" in order to be able to walk into a Starbucks and not look like an ass…

  2. I've seen his other stuff. It's worth a watch. Yelled at by a Clown is dope. I think we are too used to comedians who are loud like Kevin Heart, crude like Daniel Tosh, or bitchy like Louis CK, or all three like Bill Burr. He's none of the above really; he just seems to find the funny in life. He's really a comedic unicorn.

  3. There is something on his tone and accent that makes him enjoyable. it doesn't sound like he's trying to be funny but he's just one those dudes.

  4. He's got a lot of new material. Saw him live in Dallas last night. Hopefully they do another Netflix standups with him as frontliner

  5. You can tell he's moved to LA since his first appearance on Conan. He's gotten a hip haircut, bought a gray shirt, grown a beard and lost like 20 pounds.

  6. Just have to say, whoever downvoted this has… at worst no sense of humour, at best a terrible sense of humour…

  7. my husband and I had a roommate for abut 7 months who drank a big ass cup of milk with ice in it every night we had to get two gallons of milk at a time because he drank so much fucking ice milk and he was straight up such a weird mother fucker we couldn't keep letting him live with us

  8. Reaper carries a scythe not a sickle. The fact that I know the difference in English when I'm not even a native speaker and he doesn't is quite embarrassing on his part.
    Other than that, funny stuff.

  9. Who came up with the milk joke first. D'elia or barghatz, who came up with the Juarez tale of murder from an old relative? Madrigal or bargatze?

  10. I heard the milk story on the netflix special and I'm still in tears from laughing too hard…

  11. At the 1:44 mark, its really nice to see Jimmy having a genuine laugh that doesn't seem fake or forced at all. He is just sitting as his desk with the lights off so no one can see him. And he just has a genuine laugh. It's nice to see compared to all of the times he has his fake, laugh where he leans back in his chair and does a single clap.

  12. Oh, Thomas Lennon and Tom Segura had a kid and he ended up with the good genes …Damn, I'm a year late…

  13. HUNDREDS of stupid-ass coffee shop 'flavors'…. and YOU'RE worried about being seen drinking a freakin class of MILK?!!

  14. he's the worst storyteller, his stories are weighed down with lack of detail and a heavy dose of apathy, and thats what makes him funny

  15. The milk with ice made me laugh so hard I feel like I'm gonna die. I'm suppost to be asleep but I'm trying not to laugh out loud so I dont get myself in trouble.

  16. For all that are talking about his Netflix special The Standups…he just filmed a new hour at the end of 2018 for a new special. I was lucky to be at the taping of it. Hilarious. Can't wait for it to come out in late 2019

  17. I found this guy's show on Netflix. He is really talented standup! Perfect delivery. I think I'm already saw all his gigs I could find online.

  18. As someone not in show biz I feel I can lecture those who are. Your name is difficult. Not Nate. Nate is easy. Bergatze. Burr-got-see. If it were spelt like that…easy. Bergatze is hard on the ears and eyes. So what if you rhymed your names to make it easier? Maybe you've thought of this and discarded changing your name because, hey, it's your name. But if Norma Jean Baker was that inflexible she wouldn't have become a star. I hear flexibility was one of her best traits. So my idea in changing Nate Bergatze to make it more memorable is simply changing a few letters. How about Nazi Bergatze? Let me know in the comments what you think. (I know, I also thought of Nate Bergates, but it didn't have the punch of a Nazi, and Nazi punch would be quite refreshing.)

  19. Argh Netflix. Should have let Nate Bargatze redo his special. Obviously, he was hi high, on drugs, or just sucked …. so why air it

  20. I don’t think I get the 3rd time milk joke or it’s not funny? Can someone explain I feel so slow 😂

  21. Jesus Christ watching Fallon in those background shots, fake laughing and rocking back and forth. Dude, comedians don't need your help, stop the fake laughing bullshit you do to everyone like you are so nervous for them. Fuck, someday take away this morons show. Worst host ever and this is widely agreed upon.

  22. Just saw Tennessee Kid, had never seen Nate before. Great delivery and humor. Comedy doesn't need to be vulgar to be great

  23. No cursing. No dirty stories. No politics.
    How can he possibly be a successful comedian.

  24. Hey you're my long-lost Tucson twin brother! We're identical twins! Sucks to be me because you sound like a real douchebag during your comedy routine! When you say drink milk publicly is that being broadcasted from hidden cameras publicly? I'm not adult enough to get the link. Maybe when I turn 20 not very funny keep working on it

  25. eh, he was alright..compared to just watching Dusty Slay,…the rap crap at the end ruined it tho.. 'uh uh uh knowing knowing it uh uh uh'!?

  26. I listened to his Netflix special while driving home and now I’m going to have to steam clean my seat bc I laughed so hard through the whole thing that I peed my pants a little. For me that is the greatest compliment I can ever give a comedian!!!! Made my hour commute fun for me, but probably very confusing to the other drivers that just saw a woman driver laughing hysterically and wiping her eyes at the same time. He is awesome

  27. Fornication? Not a problem? Adultery? Again, no problem? Really? Just don't get caught, that's the answer? This right here is what's wrong w/America.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *